Recently, I finished Captivate after watching Vanessa Van Edwards’ MasterClass on People Intelligence.
My favorite chapter? Chapter 3: How to Have Memorable Interactions.
Because in business, being forgettable is expensive.
We All Run the Same Script
Walk into any networking event and you’ll hear it:
-
“What do you do?”
-
“How long have you been in your role?”
-
“How’s business?”
We all subconsciously follow an unwritten script.
The problem? The more people who use the script, the more forgettable it becomes.
Vanessa talks about novelty- how the brain encodes memories differently when something is unexpected. When a question disrupts autopilot, it forces someone to think, retrieve, reflect.
That effort makes the interaction more memorable.
If you’re forgettable, people don’t think of you. If they don’t think of you, they don’t call you.
Stop Defaulting to Small Talk
One of my favorite examples in the book was an experiment with a paid actor panhandling.
They tested three asks:
-
“Do you have spare change?”
-
“Do you have a quarter?”
-
“Do you have 37 cents?”
The winner?
37 cents.
Specific. Unusual. Interruptive. It broke pattern recognition and therefore got the highest response rate.
What This Looks Like in Real Conversations
I’ll be honest, I often start with the same scripts as everyone else.
But I don’t stay there.
If someone mentions their kids’ Valentine’s party, I’ll connect it to school district rhythms. I’ll ask about ages. Sports. What season of life they’re in.
If I don’t understand their industry, I don’t fake it- I ask them to explain it to me.
The goal is curiosity that drives them to do more of the talking than me. (And people’s brains are most activated when they’re talking about themselves.)
Brain Activation > Memory Retention
The Real Lesson From Captivate
The biggest takeaway for me wasn’t about networking hacks.
It was this: Charisma drives influence.
And charisma isn’t another way to say extroversion.
It’s the balance of two signals:
-
Warmth
-
Competence
Both can be learned.
Warmth says:
“I see you. I’m with you.”
Competence says:
“I know what I’m doing.”
Most consultants over-index on competence. The highest level of influence happens when both are present and the book teaches cues on competence and warmth- which are mostly around body language and facial signals.
Final Thoughts on Captivate
Overall, I would absolutely recommend Captivate by Vanessa Van Edwards, especially if your work depends on influence, leadership, public speaking, or client relationships.
It’s practical. It’s research-backed. And it forces you to think more intentionally about how you show up in rooms.
If I had one critique, it would be the section on love languages. It felt a bit flat compared to the rest of the book- more recycled than revelatory. The earlier chapters on memorability, charisma, and warmth/competence signals were far more actionable and engaging.
Nonetheless, it was a very interesting read with a lot of valuable content I hadn’t seen in other books before.
by the way, this was an inspiration for a recent presentation I did on Networking 101. If you ever want me to talk to your sales team about networking, please reach out.